When was the last time I wrote fic??

[baroqueangel]

Title: Conversations with my 13 year old self
Pairing/Characters: Ed, older!Ed
Rating: PG
Warning: Spoilers for the end of the manga?? Swearing
Words: 1,100
Summary: Ed meets his younger self and they have a chat.
A.N: Songfic based on Pink’s song, Conversations with my 13 year old self. I love that song and I’ve been meaning to do this for absolutely ages and I finally got around to it. I’m not really happy with the ending but I just can’t think of how else to end the damn thing >.< Literally hot off the press.

 

Ed looked around himself, he knew this place, had been here a few times before, but it had been so long since the last time. Last time he had been giving up his alchemy for Al, he had been young, much younger than he was now. He couldn’t figure out what was going on. He shouldn’t be here, he’d given his gate up and the last thing he remembered was going to bed.

“Who are you? Where am I? What the fuck is going on?” He knew that voice it would be difficult not to, after all it was his, only younger than his voice sounded now. He turned around and was confronted with a much younger version of himself. He was wearing the black leather pants that he had so loved and his infamous red coat. He guessed himself to be around 13 years old. He had automail and a bad attitude, the air of teenagerdom just wafted from him, and from his pocket dangled a silver watch. The boy before him took one look at him and sucked in air obviously stunned and confused.

“Are you…me?” He nodded at the boy. “When did I get old?” he bristled at the comment but really, it was him after all, what else should he expect? The boy had got quiet though and was now staring at his arm and lack of automail. The boy pointed and gaped and tried to speak but the words seemed to be stuck in his throat.

“It’s a real arm” he confirmed for the shocked teenager.

“How?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“What? Why not?”

“It might change your path and I can’t risk that.” He had grown up to understand things like this. If he hadn’t followed the path he had then he might not have Al back whole so he knew he had to stay quiet, no matter how hard it was to keep it from himself but then, it wasn’t the first time he had hidden things from himself was it?

“You can’t decide that for me! You don’t have the right!”

“I am you, of course I have the right.”

“But if I have my arm then Al has his body right? I kept my promise, why won’t you help me make that happen now? I can change him back!”

“You will get him back but I can’t help you change the future.”

“Please,” it was hard to ignore the pleas of his own teenage self but he knew he had to.

“I’m sorry.” A single tear escaped down the younger Ed’s cheek, it was more to do with frustration he could tell, the look on Ed’s face was so damn familiar to him. “Look, I know you’re angry, not just at me but at the world. You think equivalency has screwed you over but I promise you it really couldn’t care less. You think you need nobody, no help but you do. There are people around you Ed that want to help you, please let them. If you do you might not need to cry at night when you think nobody is listening. Al hears you though, he knows, don’t shut him out!”

The younger Ed bristled at the words. He understood why, at that age he hated being told what to do, what to think. And the idea that Al would hear him cry just brought to mind the fact that he couldn’t sleep anymore which he had always blamed on himself. Even now, after it was over and Al was back in his body he blamed himself for all the years of touch Al had missed. He realised now that it was just the way he was, this child before him hadn’t learnt any restraint yet, he was surprised the teen hadn’t lashed out at him.

“I thought you weren’t going to help me.” Ah yes, his sarcasm, he was always good at that. Another of his defence mechanisms.

“Giving you advice and telling you what you need to hear is not going to change the future.” At least he hoped it wouldn’t. “And I promise you, it won’t always be this bad. Aren’t I proof of that?” he smiled slightly as the younger Ed thought for a moment before laughing, a little hysterically, as if the thought was funny somehow. That was how he hid his fear, anything that scared him was laughed off, it was something that had taken a long time to change, actually letting someone else in was a scary thought back then. Obviously the idea that he would succeed but not knowing how he had and what he had had to give up was frightening him, and really it should.

He wanted to tell him that he knew he was hiding his feelings like that, he wanted to tell him to not grow up so fast but he knew it was too late for that. The younger Ed’s laughter stopped and he looked suddenly sad and in pain. The teen’s hand reached up and he gripped his automail shoulder. He couldn’t stay silent again.

“That pain you feel, in your joints, your automail and even your heart is real you know. I know you feel like you’re living through a nightmare and I can’t lie to you, you are, but it’ll pass. You’re a fighter Ed, you always have been and you need to be, don’t lose that person. It’s okay to feel angry and pissed off sometimes, it is allowed.” The younger Ed smiled slightly at that.

“I don’t think I’ll ever not be a fighter.” The teen eyed his scars and then grinned bigger when he nodded at him.

“I think I can pretty much guarantee that for you without worrying about changing the past.” Suddenly the teen began to fade away and he caught the slightest hint of a thanks as he watched him wave just slightly before fully disappearing.

He wasn’t completely sure what had just happened but maybe it had been something to do with equivalency, maybe he had owed the younger him something even if he didn’t know what it could be. Either way, he felt better and he hoped the younger him did too although he suspected it would be put down to a dream by the teen which was fine, as long as he learned something from it.

‘Until we meet again younger me, be well and be safe’ he thought as he took one last look at the gate before him, smiling as it faded to be replaced with a white ceiling above him.