Cracked pairings 1

[baroqueangel]

Title: Cracked pairings (Round 1)
Pairing/Characters: Roy Mustang, Ed Elric, Al Elric, Jean Havoc, Kain Fuery, Maes Hughes, Renji Abarai, Byakuya Kuchiki, Kenpachi Zaraki, Ichigo Kurosaki, Jin, Mugen, Soubi Agatsuma, Sebastian Michaelis, Kyoya Ohtori, and Johnny Rayflo.
Rating: Umm, I suppose NC-17, maybe >.>
Warning: Abuse of italics, insanity, crack, crossover, more insanity, mentions of toys, bondage…
Words: 3018
Summary: The contest starts now!
A.N: I have no excuse for this. It started out as a contest to see who would win in certain match ups. This is what happens when my brain gets such ideas. Rounds two and three may need to be the abridged versions because I’m not sure I can do this again *collapses* Add to that the fact that I have to actually write the winning match up and I may just die.
I was actually having trouble forcing myself to write this, my apathy was taking over again, but it appears that when I feel like someone is disappointed with me I tend to forgo sleep and write so this is dedicated to nochick_fics. You may need to feel disappointed in me more often because I got this written rather quickly last night after that, and my hand hurt like a bitch afterwards too. <3333 Sorry for any mistakes, I just can't bring myself to reread the insanity again ^^;

Enjoy everyone :D

Hello and welcome to round one of our new contest, ‘Crazy Pairings‘. I shall be your host for the duration, Angel, now let’s meet the 16 contestants before we go on to explain the rules.

From Fullmetal Alchemist we have six contestants, which may seem a tad excessive but I do assure you that it was not the intention of the creator to be that way. They were just the ones that screamed loudest when names were being thought up. Plus I was threatened and I do not wish to be burnt alive.

“Angel, don‘t you need to be getting on with the introductions?”

“Um, yes Roy, yes I do.” Okay so back to our introductions, from FMA we have none other than the flame alchemist himself, self confessed ladies man Roy Mustang; father extraordinaire Maes Hughes; the main attraction of the show, Edward Elric; and his cute younger, but no longer in a steal can, brother Alphonse; the man who can fix any electrical problem no matter what it is, Kain Fuery; and finally Jean Havoc.

“Hey, where’s my cool introduction?”

“Sorry Havoc but time is a wasting and I have plenty of other people to introduce.” So there we have the… “Havoc, stop sulking already! Really” *insert eye rolling and sighing here*.

Back to the introductions, from Beach we have four contestants, the main character of the show and finally legal, Ichigo Kurosaki; one of his closest friends, and we assume bed partner…

“HEY!”

…Renji Abarai; his amazing and absolutely gorgeous captain, Byakuya Kuchiki; and one of the most awesome Bleach characters to ever grace a manga, and I am not saying that because I am biased, Kenpachi Zaraki.

Next up, from the only other show to have more than one member of its cast in our line up, Samurai Champloo, a relative new comer to the creator’s shelf but still much loved we have Mugen and Jin.

“Why have I been placed second in this list? I do believe by both alphabet and class I should come before him.”

“I’m sorry Jin but it’s just how I came up with it. I meant no offence by it.”

“This shall have to be rectified.”

“Jin, put your sword away, if you kill her I’ll never be able to win.”

“And what makes you believe that you are going to win Mugen?”

“Because I’m Mugen, there is no other reason needed”

“Are you two quite finished? Can I get back on with the show please? Thank you!”

Well, after that disruption and more threats of violence upon my person *looks pointedly at Roy and Jin* we come to the shows that only have one character to represent them and yet they could still be one of the winners.

From Ouran High School Host Club we have the man with the plan, the one who knows what is going on around him at all times, Kyoya Ohtori. From one of the best shows the creator has ever seen, Loveless, Soubi Agatsuma, can his absolute wonderfulness win the day? And finally our two demons, one a hot vampire from an amazing manga, Vassalord, he’s always trying to get in the pants of his boy toy, Johnny Rayflo. The other a demon in everything and one Hell of a butler, Sebastian Michaelis. We have been informed by Sebastian’s young master that should he be needed for something important we shall have to place the show on hold but I don’t see this as being a problem.

Okay, now that we have been introduced to our contestants let’s find out the rules. First our 16 contestants are split into two groups of eight, and then each group of eight will be split into four pairs. Those pairs shall face off against each other giving us four winners on each side. Again they shall be made into pairs and so on until we are left with only one winner on each side. Then the two winners shall compete for the top placing at which point the creator shall kill herself with fic.

Okay, so on with round one.

                   

As you can see, the pairings have already been made and as soon as they are ready we shall start with the individual rounds that will get us our first eight winners.

The contestants are just getting warmed up, it looks like Roy is exercising his tongue using Edward’s mouth and Kenpachi is eyeing up any possible fighting competition. Maybe we should get this started before he starts chasing Ichigo around the studio.

“Oi, don’t give him ideas!”

“Sorry Renji, it doesn’t look like he heard me anyway, hopefully at least. Why don’t you just get back to your warm up…ah, I see you already have if your hand down Ichigo’s pants is anything to go by.”

Okay, so, on with the competition, before we have some unscheduled nookie on our hands. If the contestants can please take there places we’ll start with the first pair up.

~~~~

First up is Roy Mustang of FMA fame and Renji Abarai of Bleach and as the two take their places on the bed we can already see that Roy is planning something, that smirk is a sure sign that he’s up to no good. I must say before we start we have removed all other contestants from the room just in case something…not quite planned were to occur. Let’s just say the look on Edward’s face when he realised Roy was paired with someone other than him was almost enough to kill the entire studio audience.

Well that is a new and impressive move, Roy has managed to remove all his clothes as well as all of Renji’s in what appeared to be a blink of an eye. It seems Roy has definitely got the upper hand in this competition, I just don’t see how Renji could ever come back from this.

Renji is trying to make a comeback, he is using his skilled moves, obviously practiced on a certain substitute shinigami, to attempt to confuse the alchemist but wait, what’s this? Roy is nibbling on Renji’s ear and the red head is turning to putty in his hands, could Roy have just found the other man’s weakness? Could this be all she wrote for the shinigami? Wait, what’s Roy doing now? He appears to be pulling on one of his gloves with his teeth while sliding the other hand up and down Renji’s straining length. And now the gloved hand is moving in for the kill, it’s fondling Renji’s balls and stroking along his length. I can hear the moans from here Renji is obviously enjoying this.

And I think this could be all over ladies and gents, Renji looks just about ready, Roy’s tongue licking his ear, his gloved hand stroking his length and his other hand…elsewhere is making sure that the whole world and his sister knows that this was no competition at all.

“Ahhhh, fuck! You are so good!”

And that’s it people, this match is over. That stream of cum from Renji’s cock is all we needed to prove that Roy Mustang had this one in the bag from the moment he walked into the room.

“Renji, you doing all right?”

*slight nod from very sated red head*

"How about you Roy?”

“Do I have time to go and visit a certain blond before his match-up?”

“I do believe you have but are you sure you want to get him all worked up before his match?”

“Oh, I’m sure it will be just fine. Now if you’ll both excuse me.” *insert wicked smirk here*

Okay folks. It will just be a few moments while we get Renji somewhere nice and change the bed sheets and then we shall start the match between Alphonse, who is now legal by the way in case any of you were wondering, and Mugen from Samurai Champloo. This is the first time we shall be seeing Mugen in a fic of any kind so please, be kind.

~~~~

Welcome back folks and welcome to this match up between Alphonse Elric from FMA and Mugen from Samurai Champloo. This looks set to be a total mismatch if ever there was one, Mugen being the clear favourite by a long way.

Mugen’s looking ready to just jump the poor boy and Al’s looking slightly petrified by that thought. I have to say that that feral grin on the samurai’s face is worrying even me but hang on, Al seems to have something up his sleeve, that grin he’s sporting is downright lustful.

I don’t know what tactic Al is planning on but it seems we’re about to find out. Al is stripping slowly. I’m not sure we should be showing this, it seems a little too dirty even for this show.

Al is slowly taking off all his clothes and every time Mugen ties to touch him he is dancing just out of reach and slapping his hand like he’s a naughty little boy. Mugen is making no real move to take him by force, he seems to be too mesmerised by what Al is doing.

Al has removed every last piece of clothing now and is playing with his nipples. Mugen looks about ready to pop out of his trousers and his breathing has become a little ragged. Maybe we should have the paramedics on stand by just in case.

Al is moving to the bed and Mugen is following, albeit like a zombie, Al is still playing hard to get. Al is now propping himself up against the headboard, sucking on his fingers and feeling Mugen up with his foot, keeping him just far enough away to watch but not to touch. With one hand in his mouth and one hand on his cock, could Al be planning what I think he’s planning?

Yes, yes he is! He’s slowly trailing his wet fingers down his body and he’s penetrating himself. You heard it here first folks, Al Elric is fingering himself while masturbating. And if he continues making those noises we may have to take an extended commercial break so that this announcer can go take a very cold shower.

Al’s already got two fingers in and he’s leaking all over himself, his hand seems to be having no trouble moving over his own length, sliding up and down without any problems at all. Still no movement from Mugen. Wait, what’s this? Something’s happening. Mugen has just collapsed on the bed, we’ll just get confirmation from the paramedics and our independent judge.

And it’s been confirmed, Mugen collapsed from a sudden nose bleed and simultaneous ejaculation. Al wins this round.

We’ll be right back folks as soon as Al has finished himself off and as soon as I’ve nipped off for an ice-cold shower.

~~~~

Okay folks, welcome back to the show and our next match up, Jean Havoc vs. Kenpachi Zaraki. This looks set to be one very uneven, and strange, match up and as Havoc walks towards the bed he’s looking decidedly uneasy.

But wait, something’s wrong. Kenpachi is eyeing Havoc up and down and looks to be very disinterested in what he’s seeing. Could this be an upset?

“Meh, he’s got no strength whatsoever. I’m bored.”

Kenpachi has just walked out of the studio, Havoc wins by default.

“Wait, I won?”

“Yes Havoc, you won, surprisingly enough.” *Loud thump*

Can we get someone in here to carry Havoc out please? Thank you.

Yes folks, that was the sound of Jean Havoc fainting, join us in a few moments for the next match…as soon as we remove the unconscious body.

~~~~

So folks, we have come to our final match of the first half of our show and it sees the cute little technician of FMA, Kain Fuery, up against the shadow king of the Host Club, Kyoya Ohtori.

This looks set to be an interesting round. And we see…

“Kyoya, what are they doing here?” *Motions to the 20+ guys wearing black outfits and holding certain toys.*

“No where in the rules did it state that I would not be allowed to use props.”

“Props and toys I could forgive but what about the men?”

“They are the Ohtori family’s private guard, the Black Onion Squad. Nowhere in the rules does it prohibit their use either.”

“But…let me check!” *A long discussion and 20 minutes later* “Okay, apparently because we didn’t anticipate this and therefore didn’t make a rule against it, it is being allowed. I’m so sorry Kain.”

“Why?”

“Uh…Kain, why do you have bondage tape in your hands?”

*The following match has been dubbed too kinky for broadcast and as such has been condensed into a few sentences*

Kain was tied up using bondage tape, handcuffs and other assorted equipment. The Black Onion Squad got to work. Kain had lots of fun if the moans were anything to go by. Many toys (vibrators, butt plugs, cock-rings) were used. The commentator passed out!

Kyoya won the match. Kain was last seen leading some of the Black onion boys off to a private room.

We’ll now hear a word from our sponsors before the second half commences.

~~~~

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen, I hope you had a good break and enjoyed the word from our sponsor. Without further ado let’s begin the next round. This round sees Sebastian Michaelis, who just happens to be one Hell of a butler, going up against Byakuya Kuchiki, possibly one of the sexiest men in all of Bleach.

We have Sebastian already here, we’re just waiting on Byakuya. Has someone called him from his dressing room? He does know we’re back on air right?

“I do believe I saw that Kenpachi fellow running off with him earlier, not that dear Byakuya seemed to be too upset by it at the time.”

“Really Sebastian? When was that?”

“I am unsure of the exact time, I was a little busy seeing to my Lord.”

Excuse me folks while I just confirm this.

*Five minutes later*

Sorry folks, it would appear that Kenpachi has taken Byakuya to a private room to…fight…or something. I’m sure that’s what all the groaning is that is coming from behind that door that seems to be closed with some kind of Kido. *Shifty eyes*

Sebastian wins by default. We’ll be right back with the next round in just a moment.

~~~~

Okay folks, it’s time for the match up everybody has been waiting for. Edward Elric, the sweetheart of FMA vs. Soubi Agatsuma, the heartthrob of Loveless. This should be an interesting match, we all know that Soubi is fond of young men.

“I refuse to take part in this.”

“Wait, what? But you wanted to do this, why are you refusing now?”

“Because he is not Loveless!”

“Huh?? Really?? Soubi, you can’t do this!” *Soubi walks out* “Soubi!!!!”

Well folks, another default victory for the FMA team. Edward moves on to the next round.

“Just like that?”

“Just like that Ed. Roy will be pleased” *Note sarcasm in voice*

Join us in a few moments for the next match, which will hopefully hold some appeal for the audience. *insert defeated sigh here*

~~~~

I’m sorry to say that the Ichigo vs. Johnny match was deemed too mature for any audience and has therefore been banned from ever seeing the light of day.

Suffice to say that Ichigo will never forget it. Johnny will always feel smug about it. Ichigo’s hollow won’t try taking over the young man’s body on a whim like that ever again. And the commentator may never recover from it.

We are pleased to say that the independent judge who was hospitalised thanks to the match is doing much better and has even stopped drooling and hyperventilating. Now if the twitching would just stop he’ll be fine, we’re however not sure that he will ever stop saying ‘Oh God’.

Johnny was declared the winner and we just wish Ichigo a speedy recovery, hopefully he’ll be able to stand by the end of the week.

~~~~

So we move swiftly on to the final match of this round, Maes Hughes of FMA vs. another newcomer, Jin from Samurai Champloo.

Both men appear to be sizing each other up. Jin is watching Maes very carefully, he’s probably wondering what Maes is reaching for as, I’m sure, are we all.

“Look at these adorable pictures of my little princess. Isn’t Elysia adorable?”

“I do not think that this is appropriate for a match of this kind.”

“But isn’t she just so precious?”

“Please put away the pictures or I shall be forced to take drastic actions.”

*20 minutes and a near beheading later*

It has been decided that this match shall be a draw. Neither man is willing to budge an inch, hopefully we can somehow coax Hughes into putting his pictures away and Jin into lowering his sword. God help whoever comes up against them in the next round.

~~~~

So there you have it folks, your winners and losers of the first round. Next round will see Roy pitted up against Al, will the young boy be able to pull off another upset? Or will the mustang prevail again?

Havoc will face off against Kyoya, will it be another default victory for the blond or will the shadow king manage to pull something else out of his hat? Considering we have now banned the use of his private guard squad it could get interesting.

Sebastian will come up against Edward, will the butler manage to win over the young blond or will this young Lord of alchemy be too much for the demon butler to handle?

And thanks to our final match up ending in a tie we shall see our first threesome of the competition. Johnny will come up against Maes and Jin in a match up to end all match ups. Will it be another upset? Or will Johnny be just what the pair needs to get them motivated?

Join us next time to find out.

Comments

[luxquintessence.livejournal.com]

This was awesome! I even loved that you added the commercial break ;)

[baroqueangel.livejournal.com]

Wow you're quick :P

Ever since you linked to that ad in the chat I knew I'd use it for this, it was just too perfect :D

Glad you liked the fruits of my insanity :)

[luxquintessence.livejournal.com]

Wow you're quick :P

I'm quicker on the internet than in RL ;)

Insanity is/was exactly what I need this week-- so thank you!

[baroqueangel.livejournal.com]

I'm quicker on the internet than in RL ;)

The things my perv brain are now thinking ;)

I try to please, although if I do get the other one typed up and posted, you may want to avoid it <33

[luxquintessence.livejournal.com]

I sooooo was curious about what I shouldn't read.... and now that I've read the warnings I understand.

[baroqueangel.livejournal.com]

To be fair, I don't think it's that angsty but C seems to think it is so if you're not in an angsty mood right now then definitely avoid it <333

[nochick-fics.livejournal.com]

I literally had to stop reading a few times because I was laughing so hard. This was some of the best crack I've read in quite awhile and I fucking loved it.

See what awesomeness you bring to the table? See why I bug you so damn much to write?

Thank you for the dedication. <3

[baroqueangel.livejournal.com]

Crack is easy, when I sit down to write >.> My insanity is such that this is what is constantly going on in my head :P

^////^ This doesn't hold a candle to BJL and you know it!

Of course you got the dedication, without you this would still be lanuishing in my brain :)

*Is off to post angst now to offset the crack*

[amethyst_koneko]

My brain, she is teh broken! :D Roy of course pwns all, Kenpachi was a hoot, and the commercial was pure win! Oddly enough, I found myself liking the match up between Maes and Jin. It's been a while since I saw Samurai Champloo so I wasn't sure what Jin looked like. After a brief Google search, I remembered. :) It's square glasses vs round glasses! XDDD The next chapter should be a sight to see. Hopefully by the time it shows up, I will have coaxed my poor brain out of the corner it's hiding in now! ^_^

[baroqueangel.livejournal.com]

*Offers your brain cookies to come out*

I'm glad you liked it and don't worry, the next round's going to break me as well :P