You can kill me now...

[baroqueangel]

Title: Only in my dreams
Series: Sort of AU ish I think.
Word count: 1,580
Pairing: Roy/Fem!Ed
Rating: NC - 17
Summary: Ed gets a surprise from his dreams. (Yes that summary sucks, I know)
Warnings: Little bit of Het loving (Oh God help me, I’ve written het 0.o) Slightly OOC (maybe a bit more than slightly). Abuse of italics, swearing, only checked through once so probably some mistakes too.
A.N: This is sort of a trial run for something else I’m writing. I can’t believe I turned to het, I think my brain may have melted. It started as something else but my brain jumped a few times and changed to this. Forgive me any mistakes, not used to writing fem!Ed, let alone het. I’m really not happy with the ending but I have no idea how I could end it any other way. I wrote this for the Genderswitch prompt at the fic contest and I so very failed but considering I never thought I'd write het I don't suppose I hate it that much ^^;
 

 Ed sat looking out into space. He was so confused right now, his dream had been so strange. It had awoken him in a cold sweat and now he was unable to fall back into sleep, afraid of what he might see if he did. He needed to talk about it, had to understand what it meant but who could he tell?

It wasn’t like he could talk to Al, the thought didn’t really bare thinking about. Winry maybe? Not a chance, he could see the smug ‘I told you so’ look now. Havoc or any of the other guys? Yeah right! He’d be the butt of every joke from here to Drachma if he did that. There was always Mustang but in his mind Ed could already hear the laughter and his face flushed with both anger and embarrassment at the thought.

No, he needed something else, another way to talk about it without using words or involving other people. He looked around the room hoping for some inspiration and finally his gaze landed upon an empty notebook. Other people kept journals, he kept an alchemy one and anyway one entry did not a journal make so what was the harm? He’d just have to make sure to hide it well when he’d finished. He moved quickly and with purpose across the room and grabbed the black book. Sitting at the table he picked up a pen and began to write hesitantly onto the paper.

~~~~ 

Ok, so where do I start? How do I write this? How do I explain what I just saw? I know I have to write this down or I’ll go mad trying to work through it, bottling it all up inside. Al says I do that a lot, not let anyone in…but that’s not why I’m writing this. That’s a hang up for another day, today’s hang up is this.

I’ve known for a while that I was different, not like the other boys owing to the fact that I tend to dream about the other boys. My dreams can be quite…raunchy?? I’m not sure that’s the right word but it’s the only one that fits. In my more adult dreams there’s always a man involved, he’s always faceless, nameless, just a body that I respond to but this time…oh this dream was different.

The man wasn’t faceless, or nameless. In fact it was a face I know quite well, usually because I’m screaming bastard at it! Or morally bankrupt bastard, I like to embellish sometimes. I’ve never even thought about him like that before. Sure, I’ve thought about putting my hands around his neck but never my legs around his waist! He’s the guy that I love to hate, the guy that I would love to kick the crap out of if I ever got another chance at it but this…

Do you know what makes it that much worse? The real reason why I woke up in a cold sweat wasn’t because I saw HIM, oh no, this was even more terrifying. In all of my dreams I’m the dominant one, the one in charge no matter if I’m giving or receiving, to put it bluntly, the man, but in this dream…my own brain betrayed me! I was a…was a…I was a woman!!

There is nothing even remotely feminine about me, at least not in my eyes and yet in this dream I was a woman! With all the womanly bits that they have. Now don’t ask me why my own mind chose to do this to me because I have no clue and if I thought it wouldn’t hurt too much I’d poke my brain with a pointy stick to punish it for the images I now have burned into the backs of my eyelids. What’s even worse is that it felt normal! How in the world is my being a woman even remotely normal? I ask you.

But it felt right and I can’t deny that, much as I really want to right now. In my dream I was a woman and the way he touched me…no wonder he has a black book full of phone numbers. I know it was only my mind but it felt so real. His hand cupping my cheek, his thumb rubbing slow circles into my skin. The feel of silk fabric as it slowly lowered over my shoulders, his hands following the path down my arms until he could hold my hands in his.

The way he leant in and barely touched my lips with his before pulling back and looking deep into my eyes. I could feel my breasts rising with each quickened breath and when his eyes tracked down to look at them longingly I was lost. Lost to touch and to pleasure, pleasure that coursed through me to my very soul. His hands against my breasts, cupping gently and squeezing until I moaned in delight.

I could feel my body respond, the new parts of me felt on fire, burning with a need for him, wanting him. When he kissed me again, stronger now, forceful, passionate my body pushed against his with no prompting, no command other than the primal need that exists within us all. I could feel myself becoming damp, ready for him my body already knowing what was to come.

Hands slowly running down my body, I felt my skin tingle in their wake, like trails of electricity dancing over me. Clothes quickly shed; we were exposed to each other. His length both excited and frightened me, how good would that feel inside of me? How different would this feel? Would I enjoy it?

His fingers found me, they ran over something that made my breath quicken and made me wonder if all women had one and if they did, how did they not just sit and touch it all day long? His fingers travel further, explore me, touch me, sink effortlessly into me, the wetness helping them slide deeper, helping them touch something else that makes me moan and writhe and want so much more. It felt strange at first, my mind unsure of what was happening, the feeling new but not unwelcome.

It didn’t take long for it to feel right and I wanted more, my body needing something bigger, harder. He kissed me again, faster, teeth nipping and blood being drawn. I loved every second! Too soon were the fingers gone and my body was left craving him, craving something. My hands found his hair and I felt myself gripping and pulling, wanting to cause him pain and the moan he let slip making me wetter than before.

I’ve never begged for anything in my life, not really, but right then, in this dream of revelations and new experiences I begged and I pleaded and I downright commanded him to fuck me and he obliged more than willingly. He kissed me and moved above me and before I could scream he was buried deep within me, sliding effortlessly into a place seemingly made just for him.

There was no time, no space in between his entering and our moving, the rhythm began and our bodies took the lead. We moved together, clung together, sweat dripping down our skin, promises spilling from our lips.

“I can give you the world”.

“I can make you whole”.

“I can be what you need”.

“I will always be with you”.

I felt him move within me, sinking deeper with every thrust, I felt myself rise up to meet him every time willing this feeling to never end. It felt like forever but was over too soon, I felt the heat rise, I couldn’t keep quiet, I screamed out his name as I saw flashing white lights. He shouted his love and collapsed against me, his skin touching mine, our chests pressed together, I opened my eyes wide and I struggled to breathe.

So that is my story, my dream. The not-quite-a-nightmare that woke me and scared me and now has my mind working so damn fast I don’t think it will ever stop trying to figure this out. What do I do? Who could even begin to give me advice about this? Does my brain know something I don’t? And why the Hell did it have to make me a fucking woman?

I don’t think I’ll ever know the meaning behind this dream. Do I really want to though? Maybe I could…

~~~~ 

A sudden noise caused Ed to jump and spin around in the chair. He closed the book quickly and placed his hand on it protectively just as Al walked into the room rubbing his eyes sleepily.

“Brother? What are you doing up? Is something wrong?”

“It’s alright Al, nothing’s wrong I just couldn’t sleep. Go back to bed.” Al looked at him a little dubiously before smiling drowsily and turning around to go back to his room. As he reached the door he stopped and turned slightly to look over his shoulder.

“You should get some sleep too brother”.

“I’m going now Al”. After Al had left the room Ed stood and, clutching the book, made his way back to bed. Before climbing in he made sure to tuck the notebook under his mattress, the entry would just have to wait for now. He lay back against his pillows and stared at the ceiling, unsure if he wanted to dream anymore tonight but also hoping he might.